III. Guidelines for Respectful Conversation

Guidelines for Respectful Conversation

1. Everyone enters the discussion with dignity and leaves with the same dignity.

The keys to dignity are worth, honor, and attention. Working for a joint solution takes account of everyone's position. We listen carefully to each participant. We make it clear that we value everyone's contribution, even if we strongly disagree with it. We try to avoid being petty or mean spirited. If our choice of phrasing inadvertently offends, we do not argue that others shouldn't feel offended. We simply look for another way of making the same point.

2. Everyone is assumed to be well intentioned and sincere.

We do not assume that someone's poor wording was meant to offend us. We avoid phrasing which suggests that others are not as Jewishly committed as they should be. We look for relatively neutral descriptions. Instead of focusing on ideological stances, we concentrate on the given problematic situation. People or movements may, in all good conscience, disagree with us. They are not therefore "rigid," "taking the convenient path," or "caught up in a fad."

To be sure, people sometimes have ulterior motives. We cannot know in advance, however, who is well intentioned and who isn't. Starting with a negative assumption runs the risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. W the beginning of a discussion, no one is expected to risk very much. Building trust takes time. Negative assumptions only hinder trust; hence we start by assuming good intentions.

3. No one is put down for the choices he or she has made.

No open or disguised invalidating responses. Although implied by the first two guidelines, I have found that put-downs must be explicitly ruled out. Beware the snide remark. Avoid the suggestion that others are saying nothing new, or phrases that reduce the position of others to "just" something or other. In a myriad of ways, we have learned to undermine verbally the standing of others.

4. Anyone wishing to address a problem should be included in the search for a solution.

Common sense urges that we leave out those who are destructive to the process itself. Nonetheless, we must be careful not to eliminate anyone before we have even begun. We at least accord them one session during which they can make their "true nature" clear. I worry more about leaving people out than about taking extra time eliminating trouble.

5. No one is pressured to do or say anything that he or she does not wish.

People will find ways of sabotaging commitments they make under duress. Solutions work only if they represent the genuine position of the parties involved. We avoid the subtle pressure involved in making "good guys" out of those who agree to our "compromise," and "bad guys" out of those who are "holding out." Respect for others means allowing them their own choices, and their own timetable.

6. Everyone should work to discover areas of mutual interest and cooperation.

We are too often inclined to search out the factors that separate us from others. In creating an independent identity, locating differences is important. In fostering joint action, however, we are looking for similar concerns. We already know that we have significant disagreements. What we need now is to discover important common goals. We can then agree to adopt the meeting of those goals as our shared task and responsibility.

7. Solutions must be acceptable to everyone who is affected.

Sometimes rabbis solve problems and forget that lay people must live with the consequences. Or lay leaders set policies chat have a potent, and sometimes painful, impact on their rabbis. Or one movement will solve a problem that causes serious problems for other movements. Condemning these other movements as "intransigent" or "assimilationist" does not erase those problems.

This guideline is limited only by the refusal of others to join in the discussion. Naturally, those who have made themselves outsiders may not be able to accept our results. However, they are always invited to join the discussion.

8. We all work together for a cohesive Jewish community.

Respectful discussion takes as an article of faith that we should be one Jewish people. We are now, I believe, ready to replace "unity through identity" with "unity through cooperation."

From "Common Ground: Plowing the Rich Soil of Cooperation Among Jews" by Tsvi Blanchard, Reconstructionist, April 1989.

IV: Ground Rules for Discussion

Ground Rules for Discussion

(Hilchot Shaklah V'Taryiah)

1. Everyone here is a (Tzelem Elokim) - created in God's image. Allow time for everyone to speak. Invite and encourage everyone's participation.

2. We are part of a (Brit) - covenantal relationship. Listen carefully, respectfully and sympathetically to what others are saying.

3. (Aylu V'Aylu) - All these alternative Jewish views are the living words of the living God. Focus on sharing your own views and experiences and work to gain insight from views different from your own.

(Yehi Ratzon) - May it be your will. Let us listen to each other's words with love and respect and hear in them the voice of God.

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